Tuesday, January 31, 2012

In the still of the night

Sometimes it really pisses me off that I'm a person whose defining characteristics include a tendency to vacillate supremely. Every decision seems to be taken impulsively and then overthrown by second thoughts. Certainty is something that can be very elusive.

I realised I am more afraid of success than I am of failure. Failure is more comfortable because it will maintain status quo. It will be an excuse to try again. Try again to do something which would have been easily achieved the first time around if it was not for a weakness of resolve.

I have done this many times before and each time, I've managed to rationalise and intellectualise it till it didn't feel like an internal defect any more. Till I had convinced myself it was a matter of bad luck and unfavourable circumstances. Clearly, I am responsible for this, atleast in part, mostly in whole.

It is not a lack of ambition, it is clearly a trepidation of walking the difficult path ambition urges one to follow.

It will not do to hope to reach the light at the end of the tunnel while secretly wishing it's an oncoming train.

I wonder if accusing oneself of self-sabotage is just another way to sabotage oneself. But I think maybe recognising the problem is the first step towards fixing it.


Astha said...

Whoa, deep stuff. Even I'm the same but I could never express the feeling in words like you've done. You write so well! :)

Vyankatesh said...

Yes, we do doubt ourselves.

But sometimes (and hope always), we do have the strength, to overcome them.

Sinduja said...

Failure is a great place to be in. Somewhere, there is great comfort in pain - because it keeps the dream living on and after a while dreaming seems more comforting than achieving the dream in reality.

End of the day, there is nothing to worry because one fine moment, the stress, guilt and regret will be too bad to bear and you will move on out of the tunnel.

Arumugam said...

I understand how it feels,I kinda agree with the above comment too.I am what you can call a classic case of Paralysis by analysis:D.It always feels good to be planning for something,the next big project while days,months and even years pass by while maintaining the status quo.

Another writer puts it...

"Most of us stand poised on the edge of brillance,haunted by the knowledge of our proximity,yet still demonstratably on the wrong side of the line,our dealings with reality undermined by a range of minor yet critical psychological flaws(a little too much optimism, an unprocessed rebelliousness,a fatal sentimentality).We are like exquisite high speed aircraft which for the lack of a tiny part is left stranded beside the runway,rendered slower than a tractor or a bicycle"

So true!

phatichar said...

Bang on, on the first line of para 2.

Some great writing here. Will return for more. Meanwhile...chill. :)

Kunal said...

Two thoughts enter in to my mind as I read this...

When you write about success and failure...I am tempted to quote myself here...

When the success will be bitter,
And the Failure will taste sweet.
Me and Life, two Parallel lines,
At infinity, will we finally meet.

(Its completely original) :D

And in the last line, when you accuse yourself of self-sabotage, I am again tempted to quote Mr Oscar Wilde..

When we blame ourselves, we feel that no one else has a right to blame us. It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution.


Sakshi said...

Yeah I agree. It is like you are ambitious but than end up playing the what if game..
Don't self sabotage darling- Just positive thinking my dear :D

Tangled up in blue... said...

Astha, thank you! I've been doing a lot of introspection these past few days and writing it down allows me to structure my thoughts and deal with them in a way I can't in my head. :)

Vyankatesh, thank you! :) I have hope.

Sinduja, thanks a million for that lovely comment! What you say has been very comforting and reassuring. :)

Tangled up in blue... said...

Arumugam, paralysis by analysis! You've diagnosed me correctly, my friend. That is exactly my malady. That is a truly awesome quote. Where from?

phatichar, thank you! :) Welcome to my blog man!

Kunal, lovely, lovely comment! :) It does feel good to confess. Even if it is only to one's own self. Some problems solve themselves the moment you acknowledge them. This has been very cathartic for me. :) Thank you.

Miss Komal said...

Firstly , damn you are good with words.

Secondly , i can relate so much to it.
Especially ,"Failure is more comfortable because it will maintain status quo. It will be an excuse to try again. Try again to do something which would have been easily achieved the first time around if it was not for a weakness of resolve." ------story of my life.

bah , i am still in the 'uncertain' zone.