Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Ik Baar to yun hoga, ki Thoda sa Sukoon hoga.

We never consider some little things when we attempt to think of the big picture at times.

And that doesn't so much lead to mistakes as it does to a lot of surprises. I've been told often that you mustn't, when pursuing your passions, give in to them entirely, not so much so that they possess your mind even while you dream. Becoz it makes it that much more difficult to tell the waking world apart from those increasingly vivid dreams.

I have always wondered if I was a particularly ambitious person. And what it really meant to be a particularly ambitious person. I wondered if it made me better at this line of work, or worse.

Did it dilute that other side of me, that empathetic side, the side that really wants to believe in the motto of our hospital? That yes, all this really is, non sibi sed omnibus. Not for self, but for all.

A blogger friend repeatedly tells me about the gravely fallacious notion of being wholly philanthropic (in the literal meaning of the word). But it is not in me to be misanthropic, either.

Does ambition sit pretty alongside a clarion call to selflessness? Not selflessness in the Randian sense. In the general sense.

Does ambition not indicate a desire for improvement? An aspiration for the better?

Is that even a bad thing? Is that ever a bad thing?

Perhaps, too much of it is. But how do you know that you're crossing the line?

A month ago I remember wondering why some feel that the ugly necessity of meaningless competition is indispensable to personal success. But does competing with yourself count?

The past few weeks have been important for me. I've understood the full import of how doctors can, almost ingeniously, effect a cure. And when it happens with someone you love so dearly, that the very thought of losing them causes intense agony of body and spirit, you really appreciate, really, really appreciate what it means to be doing this.

Not studying, not watching, not observing. But Doing.

And fortunately for me, I helped. I really helped those who needed me to help them.

It is a rare and remarkable feeling. To know. To really Know. That finally, after all these years of questioning and doubting, you Know that you did not make a wrong choice. It was one of the many right ones, atleast.

Yes, this is what I want to do. I am passionate about it. It means so much. So much.

This feeling, this moment is precious to me. I want to preserve it forever. And so I keep it here. In what has turned into a slightly public trove of keepsakes.

This feeling is beautiful becoz it comes so rarely. It's called Certainty.

I'm done capitalizing initial letters of abstract nouns and throwaway verbs for effect. I have said what I needed said to me.

And this is what I was searching for, for five years. Some sign, some indication that I havent mucked up my life. I am capable of doing this, and willing to give away all that it will ask of me, and take out of me and snatch from me. I am willing to let it prey on my mind, now and forever.

Becoz that is what passion does to you. And the pleasure to be derived from surrendering to it completely, of letting it take control of me, even if it is only for as long as this feeling lasts, is indeed incredibly immense.


T. said...

i was wondering when u would be back here or if this blog was on its way to being eschewed for a new one as well but ure back. and i can see that this is a really important post for u.

but somehow it sounds not euphoric but dysphoric. its even darker than the last one which i know was written in a moment of great turmoil.

this one reads so primal n almost almost sexual. maybe because ure talking about la passione u know what actually the origin of the word passion from a greek word that means to suffer. like the passion of the christ.

all in all i am glad it gives u peace - of some form at the very least. of course the rest of us already knew that abt u.

and u know what too much of a good thing is a bad thing. ambition n passion too. :-D

good luck kay. :-)

Tangled up in blue... said...

Tauf! Thanks for being the first to comment on yet another post but sometimes I really wonder if you cud do with a thought filter! :D

Thanks are also due for yet another vote of confidence. Now, I wish I cud trade some of that confidence of yours for some of my, ahem, 'primal darkness' I believe it is. ;)

Yes, too much of a good thing is bad for you. It's the same advice I hear dispensed in our numerous OPDs all day every day.

But seriously, sometimes I think I do need an injection of "Ardore e Passione" in my life!

Sakshi said...

Yes there are times when certainty of your passions is questioned and so are your decisions and it is these moments in time that make everything worthwhile!

After class 10th, I wanted to be a biotechnologist, but my heart always knew in its lil corner what I am really passionate about. One wrong turn later, I am doing what I should have, without taking that one wrong turn.

I am glad that your passion has gotten the surge of confidence that it needed :)
Hugs :)